He took another drink of coffee.
“I think a lot about that guy I hit upside the head with the shovel. Think about how I ruined his life. Destroyed his family. I feel bad. And you don’t know the depth of how bad. Cause there’s nothing I can do. I did it. It’s done.”
He ignored her.
“When they sent me to prison, I just wanted to survive, like I told you before. That’s why I was lucky to find Pops. Do my time under his wing. Yes, ma’am, I was real lucky.”
She didn’t even try to stop him.
“But prison turns you into yourself. By that I mean, you have so much time to yourself, you can’t help but to think about things. Now the old guys, guys like Pops, they just live moment to moment. They know their time has come and gone and all they care about is their next cup of joe. But everyone else thinks about themselves. Why they did what they did. Whether they meant to or not. And how bad they think themselves is. They look inside and see that dark speck on their soul. And generally, it goes one of two ways. A lot of guys see that dark speck and think that’s who they really are. And they accept it. And that dark speck grows until it eventually just takes over. Black, Miss Heather. Black as night and twice as scary.”
“And you went the other way.”
“I know I did wrong and I can’t do nothing to change it.”
“What am I supposed to do, just pretend none of this ever happened? Forgive and forget? I’ll forget when he’s gone.”
“No you won’t.”
“It’ll be a step in the right direction.”
“There’s two kinds of forgiveness. The one where you suck it up and forgive the one that done you wrong. That can’t happen unless he comes to you and tells you he’s sorry. Even then, it’s a hard thing to do. But your daddy can’t do that. I mean, he can’t even remember what he did. Before he went all loose in the head, he had that dark speck, and it was growing. It was slow, but it was getting worse. By and by it gave way to mindlessness. But that ain’t what I’m talking about, anyways.”
“Good. Because that’s not going to happen.”
“See, that first kind of forgiveness is for the benefit of the one that done the wrong. So that he can move on. The other kind is for the one that was done wrong to. God says to let it go and let him be the judge.”
“Really? You’re preaching to me now, Booger?”
“I ain’t preaching. Just telling you truth.”
“Well, thank you for that. I’ll take it under advisement.”
“You’ll be dead soon, too.”
“What the hell, Darnell?”
He shrugged. “We all will be. You have Huntington. I might drop dead of a heart attack sitting here at this table. Then again, we might have twenty years ahead of us. Maybe more. That’s a lot of time for that dark speck to grow. Best to let that bitterness go.”
“You think I’m bitter?”
“Best to let it go.”
“That’s easy to say when you have a future.”
He didn’t have an answer for that. As much as he screwed up his life, and in spite of his dire predictions of death at the kitchen table, it was very likely that Booger had another thirty or forty years to do something with his life. So, yeah, choosing a positive outlook made sense.
But his sermon had nothing to do with her situation. She was dying. In so many ways.
copyright 2018, joseph e bird, from the novel Heather Girl